How To Take A Shower

Step #1: Take off clothing and throw it in one of the following places, whichever is closest:

a. On top of a nearby piece of furniture

b. On the corner of the nice huge champagne tub that is never used (except as a hamper)

The exception to this rule of proximity is to throw the clothing (with best attempt at aiming) into the laundry hamper inside the closet from across the room. Do not worry about missing the hamper (or even the closet for that matter). Instead, wait for the pile to reach epic proportions then kick it down the hallway to the laundry room, at which point let it sit for a week before laundering.

Step #2: Turn water on and wait for it to get warm. Forget to close the shower door while doing this, resulting in a localized flash flood.

Step #3: Get into the shower and realize that you forgot to get a new bottle of soap out from under the sink. At this point you have one of two options:

a. Make a mad dash between shower and sink to obtain the fresh soap; if electing this course of action, make sure to leave the old empty soap bottle in the shower for weeks until someone (else) gets so sick of it that they finally throw it away.

b. Scream at the top of your lungs for your spouse. Promptly ask them to retrieve said soap replacement for you. And while they are at it, make them throw away all the empty bottles of stuff left in the shower from previous implementations of step 3(a).

Step #4: While showering, use spouse's razor to shave parts of the body that resemble the overgrown areas of South America's rain forests. Do not rinse the blades thoroughly. This is in consideration of your spouse, who might never have known that the razor was used by someone else unless they find great gobs of thick hair entwined in the blades.

Step #5: Once finished, realize that you forgot to get a new towel yet threw the other one into one of the locations mentioned in step 1. You have one of two options at this point:

a. Make a mad dash from the shower to the hallway linen closet. Exposure to open windows while sopping wet and completely naked can be considered a bonus. Do not, repeat, do NOT clean up the water puddles left behind.

b. Scream at the top of your lungs for your spouse. Promptly ask them to acquire a fresh towel for you. This step can be strategically used to annoy said spouse by acquiring the last fresh towel for yourself BEFORE they have taken their shower.