Stomping In A Winter Wonderland

Christina Patoski's "Front Yard View of the Holidays"

Christina Patoski has been photographing front yard Christmas decoration for 30 years. As I understood from listening to her interview on NPR, the displays that strike her range from the spartan to the large scale "over-the-top" ensembles; yet what draws her to each of these scenes is the visual impact and eloquence, which she adeptly captures in her photography. Click on the thumbnails below to see some of her works, which I have located across the internet. You may wish to check out her book, Merry Christmas America: A Front Yard View of the Holidays.

Winter Haiku

long past the moonrise
amidst the glittering snow
branches are creaking

Photo from http://www.35degrees.com/gallery/koya_san

Yogurt Boy

As many toddlers this age, Adrian is beginning to learn about spoons and forks. Mind you, he is learning that spoons make the best drumming utensils on the table, and forks are best for waving around and making adults nervous. Once in a while, he actually feeds himself with them, as seen here, when he decided that feeding himself yogurt while sitting on Mommy's lap was a GREAT idea.

Baby's Got Blue Eyes

Is Somebody Actually Under There?

Aww Mom, Haiku AGAIN?

My son runs past me
And from the spring azaleas
Come little giggles

Post-processing is good, m'kay?

It's really quite amazing what you can do with the "free" copy of Photoshop Elements that comes with most digital cameras, scanners, and printers. You can see above what I was able to accomplish with just a little practice, using the crop and clone tools.

The first picture, leftmost, is the original. I felt that the piece of furniture on the right and the register cover under the subject's feet were distracting from the subject.

The first thing I did was to crop out the piece of furniture that was intruding on the left side of the photo; this is easier than trying to clone it out, and helps to elongate the height of the picture, which emphasizes the vertical nature of the subject and the environment he is interacting with. This brings us to the center image.

The final step was the one that required the most skill; using the clone tool. Frankly, a little practice with this tool can truly produce wondrous results. I cloned the floorboards, sweeping from front to back, replicating wood grain until I reached edges. I did not make the edges crisp and perfect, since the high resolution of the photo allowed me some slop, and since over-perfected processing can actually make the photo look "not quite right" to the viewer. That gave me the image you see on the right.

And that's it -- and what a difference from the original. The composition is much improved, and the subject truly becomes the focus of attention.

Guess This Picture

What is Chris doing in this picture? Is he...

(a)Yorfing behind couch pillows after having too much to drink
(b)Searching desperately for the TiVO remote
(c)OMG XbOx iZ HuGe LOL!!!

Ah, Tradition

Here in the good ol' U-S-of-A there seems to be a tradition of lathering up your young child's hair, styling it as embarrassingly as possible, then taking pictures. These pictures are judiciously saved for future use -- in other words, for showing to your child's hot saturday night date when he or she is a teenager. It is difficult for a guy to make a move on a girl when she keeps laughing hysterically at him.

First Attempts

This new camera is definitely a great deal more difficult to use. There are more complicated settings than you can shake a tripod at. Tom fiddled with some settings and got a few nice shots. Click on an image to see a larger size.

Our Early Christmas Present...

To ourselves. The Canon 20D. We are uber-excited. We also ordered the EF 17-40mm f/4 zoom lens and the EF 50mm f/1.4 prime lens.

Chuggin A Coke, New Words

Some of Adrian's latest:

• Yeay! (as he claps his hands)
• Going upstairs, whether you want him to or not
• Playing peek-a-boo and just saying "boo" when he uncovers his eyes
• Saying and waving "bye-bye" when he leaves school... and during the entire trip home
• Turning on all his noise making toys to their "keep going until the batteries run out" settings -- ALL of them at ONCE
• Pointing to his nose and saying "no"
• Up (with hands up) and "dow" (with hands down)
• Feeding Mom (this means stuffing things into her mouth until she can't even breathe -- then laughing at her)

I want CANDY

Don't ask me why, but Adrian's Halloween candy is safely stored in his little pumpkin bag... in his bathroom. One night I gave him a few M&M's after he ate a good dinner.

Occasionally, when he doesn't eat all his dinner, I will let him finish it while he is taking a bath.

I did not realize that he would remember where the candy was after ONLY ONE OCCURRENCE of getting a few pieces in the bathtub.

So last night I am TRYING to feed him some chicken in the bathtub since he did not finish it downstairs. He pushes it away and I think, "OK, he's just not hungry."

HAH. Yeah, right.

He stood up, pointed right at the candy basket, and started making his little babble that means "I want that".

He also kept saying "cracker?" (his general request for food) and when I tried to give him a chicken bite, he would cry, stand up, and point to the candy.

Ohhhhhhh boy.

That Was Then, This Is Now

From a black-haired squinty-eyed helpless newborn to a running, talking, blond-haired boy with a ton of personality in just 16 months. Wow.

Here is what Adrian is saying these days:

• Go! (as he throws something)
• On! Off! (as he flips the light switch)
• Thank you
• There you go
• Hi (very occasionally)
• OK
• Up (holding his hands up in the air)
• Uh-oh (just GUESS when he says that)
• No!
• Oma (Dutch for Grandma, what we call Tom's Mother)
• Cracker (his word for food)
• Cookie (his other word for food)
• I know
• More (apparently only for M&M's according to Oma)
• Wow

The Home Depot Store?

Apparently, Toys-R-Us has an entire section of the store dedicated to Home Depot toy tools. I guess Lowe's thought this was just a bit too childish for them. Ha ha.

I discovered this when I went to Toys-R-Us looking for a toy chainsaw. I was inspired by a comment to one of my recent blogs to dress up my son as a lumberjack for Halloween. They had TWO toy chainsaws; small and deluxe. They have rubber chains that move and of course, they make chainsaw noises. I even got one of those hats with the flaps on the sides. Spiff.

I'm A Lumberjack And I'm OK

Well, I hadn't intended it to be a costume, but I think he looked like a lumberjack that day...

Girl and Lamb

I was digging around a closet and found some of my old artwork. I don't know what year I did this one, but it was definitely before I was married (Peace is my maiden name). Click the image to see it fullsize.

Adventures in Jewelry

I have a hobby (addiction) to beading and amateur jewelry making. Recently I have made this formal set of sterling silver and sleeping beauty turquoise. This variety of the semi-precious gemstone contains little to no impurities, which gives it a clear, solid color and translucent "glowing" quality.

I purchased the chain, earwires, cabochons, cinch mounts, and bail from Fire Mountain, an online/catalog company that has literally thousands and thousands of components. Half the fun is in creating a design from the many individual pieces. The technical fun involved with this set was to mount the cabochons, cinch the settings, then attach them to the bail and earwires via loop enclosures. No soldering or gluing needed, just a bit of care and dexterity, and a bit of experience in opening/closing loops without distorting the circular shape or fatiguing the metal (I've been doing this for about 9 years or so).

This particular chain, made in Italy, is called an "Omega" chain; the links are connected in such a way as to give the illusion of one solid piece of metal.

Meet the (Great Grand) Parents

A few months back, I had a conversation much like the following:

Jen: (answers phone) Hello?
Mom: Hi honey!
Jen: Oh! Hi Mom, how are you doing?
Mom: Great! How is my favorite daughter and grandson doing?
Jen: Pretty good. What's up?
Mom: Well, I have a request to make.
Jen: (getting suspicious) Oooooo-kay, what is it?
Mom: Your Father and I would like to know if we could take Adrian for a week -
Jen: YES!!!
Mom: - to Ohio -
Jen: YES!!!
Mom: - to see -
Jen: YES!!!
Mom: - his great-grandparents?
Jen: YES!!! When are you coming to pick him up? I can have him ready in an hour!

So Adrian got to travel far and wide to meet his Great Grandparents in Elyria, Ohio. Isn't that nice?

And I Did It ALL By Myself

I made this play area for Adrian using these interlocking foam mats from Lowe's and a toy storage bin from Target. I custom cut a few of the mats here and there to fit it into this unique space, which previously had just been a pile of unused stuff and trash (which is now at the local thrift store and dump, respectively).

I got the idea from my friends the Sharpes, who had made a similar play area for their two adorable girls. It was low cost and makes great use of this odd space in our home.

Yeah, Why Not?

OK, so not every post has to be comic genius. Not that any posts yet have been comic genius, or even comic mediocrity, but that is neither here nor there.

Why not make a further display of said mediocrity with a vague attempt at poetry? I figure I have nothing to lose at this point.

My apologies to the Title Fanatics out there. It has none. Here is an arbitrary marker to show you where to start:

****************************************

I offered it gifts both exquisite and dear,
I praised and adored it, not a moment passed
That I did not attend it; yet it did not remain.

I caged it, I kept it, I begged it to stay,
With every bold action my loss was assured
By a blind adherence; I was stranded once more.

In angry rebellion I shed expectations,
Ran jilted and jaded, careless and foolish;
They should have been warned that I had no heart.

And then… By fortune? I chanced upon it
Where it quietly waited, patiently hoping,
Neither bound nor bribed, to endure.

By Jennifer Lynn Vanderputten
Over the course of some years
And finally left to be itself
On October 14, 2004

How To Take A Shower

Step #1: Take off clothing and throw it in one of the following places, whichever is closest:

a. On top of a nearby piece of furniture

b. On the corner of the nice huge champagne tub that is never used (except as a hamper)

The exception to this rule of proximity is to throw the clothing (with best attempt at aiming) into the laundry hamper inside the closet from across the room. Do not worry about missing the hamper (or even the closet for that matter). Instead, wait for the pile to reach epic proportions then kick it down the hallway to the laundry room, at which point let it sit for a week before laundering.

Step #2: Turn water on and wait for it to get warm. Forget to close the shower door while doing this, resulting in a localized flash flood.

Step #3: Get into the shower and realize that you forgot to get a new bottle of soap out from under the sink. At this point you have one of two options:

a. Make a mad dash between shower and sink to obtain the fresh soap; if electing this course of action, make sure to leave the old empty soap bottle in the shower for weeks until someone (else) gets so sick of it that they finally throw it away.

b. Scream at the top of your lungs for your spouse. Promptly ask them to retrieve said soap replacement for you. And while they are at it, make them throw away all the empty bottles of stuff left in the shower from previous implementations of step 3(a).

Step #4: While showering, use spouse's razor to shave parts of the body that resemble the overgrown areas of South America's rain forests. Do not rinse the blades thoroughly. This is in consideration of your spouse, who might never have known that the razor was used by someone else unless they find great gobs of thick hair entwined in the blades.

Step #5: Once finished, realize that you forgot to get a new towel yet threw the other one into one of the locations mentioned in step 1. You have one of two options at this point:

a. Make a mad dash from the shower to the hallway linen closet. Exposure to open windows while sopping wet and completely naked can be considered a bonus. Do not, repeat, do NOT clean up the water puddles left behind.

b. Scream at the top of your lungs for your spouse. Promptly ask them to acquire a fresh towel for you. This step can be strategically used to annoy said spouse by acquiring the last fresh towel for yourself BEFORE they have taken their shower.

A Fresh Approach to Rabid Ranting

The fact that I have not updated my blog in, oh, about a month, is mighty embarassing. So, I thought to myself, "Self!" I said, "You ought to take a different approach to this blogging thing.". Of course, I wondered what I was trying to tell myself.

Then I had an epiphany. Or an error in judgment, it will remain to be seen. When I responded to an email that my Father sent concerning the differences in the way men and women go about the daily ritual of showering, I was inspired to write my own account of showering mayhem in my household.

Apparently, it was funny. I have been told that I should "write a book", but that takes too much effort. Not to mention the fact that I don't believe this to be good advice, necessarily. I think I'll blog my (alleged) funnies instead.

You have been warned. I will do my best to keep them as clean as possible, and I can't promise to offend nobody, because there is always some lame moron out there with nothing better to do than be offended. 'Nuff said!

OMG Oprah!

How can you NOT post about this? Man, I picked a bad day not to be on Oprah. Not that I've ever been on Oprah before, but if you had been on her recent season premiere, you would have gotten a brand new 2005 Pontiac G6 just for being in the audience. Yes -- EVERYONE in the audience got one. This photo shows them lined up in rows with big red bows on the top.

10/10 For Style, Minus Several Million For Good Thinking

Think you did something fiendishly clever to earn YOUR Boy/Girl Scout merit badge? Or maybe you think you know the guy/gal who did it most impressively? Not unless you knew David Hahn, who, back in 1995, "... dupe[d] officials at the Nuclear Regulatory Commission into providing him with crucial information he needed in his attempt to build a breeder reactor...".

And this clever little teenager used "... various cover stories and aliases..." to acquire radioactive materials. Yes. Teenager. And yes, it WAS for a Boy Scout merit badge. And he did it in his backyard potting shed.

You can get the full story from Ken Silverstein, Harper's Magazine.

An Actual Reason To Install Shockwave

Yeah, I know you die-hard anti-shockwave plug-in people exist. Never felt the desire to install that browser plug-in just to see someone's kid's head glued onto a comical torso and dancing "cutely"?

Well, let me tell you, there IS a reason to do it. Because you gotta love the Home Star Runner -- these guys are actually pretty good with the Shockwave animation. This is an hilarious, all-original online animated cartoon series that Tom and I enjoy quite frequently. Check out the Strong Bad E-mails and the many other amusing cartoon shorts or play some online games, reminiscent of the golden age of Atari and Amiga.

Wife "Accidentally" Runs Over Husband With Pickup Truck

Think twice before handing the wheel of the truck over to your wife boys.

13-Month Old Food Sorter

Getting my son Adrian to eat has often been a challenge (he'd rather be playing or bashing me on the head with one of his toys). However, his latest food foray is definitely a novel one. We, like many parents, use the disposable "bibsters", the large variety of which has a little pouch in the front to catch falling food. Adrian has noticed that this pouch can be used for entertainment purposes as well. He takes his little food bites, drops them into the pouch, then takes them out and puts them back onto his high chair tray, and repeats the process, over and over again. He soon forgets that the food was originally intended for consumption.

Writing about this has reminded me of another previous food incident. These days Adrian seems to be all about putting things into containers and taking them back out again. One day, a few weeks back, he forgot about the "taking back out again" part. Which is why my purse was filled with chicken nugget bites.

Blazing Bunny

Hasenpfeffer anyone?

This American Streaming Audio

Possibly my #1 favorite NPR radio show, This American Life archives and streams their old episodes via RealPlayer .ram files. Very clear, very internet friendly streaming audio. Check out one of my favorite episodes, First Day, which contains the hilarious "Squirrel Cop" story in Act 2.

"At least the cockroach enjoyed my salad."

Who knew Zagats reviewers were so witty? Check out these outtakes of bad restaurant reviews.

The Latest From Toddler Land

Life in the toddler class has taught my son Adrian many things. Hold onto your cookie, grab all the cookies you can get, and, recently, how to say "Noooooooo". Very loudly.

Last evening, after picking my son up from daycare, he proceeded to show me the wonders of this word. I'm not sure if he knows what it means yet, but that can't be far behind. At this point the coming hurricane seems like a walk in the park.

Duck and Cover Kids

'Cuz Charley is coming, and he's pi**ed off. Let's hope he swerves back out to the ocean. I don't want to be reminded of that dirty four-letter word that begins with an F. What? I was talking about "Fran". What did you THINK I meant? Oh, and I feel gipped that this one wasn't named "Clyde".